I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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