Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
