This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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