so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
