I accidentally had phone sex last night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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