if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
