God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize