Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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