What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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