how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
