Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
