Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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