This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
