Swine flu. Run for my life!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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