dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
