im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
