We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
