OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
