Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
