Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
