Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Houston, we have a blender
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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