My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
