My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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