Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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