Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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