on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
