I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
