sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
