my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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