Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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