everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
