apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
