So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
