I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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