just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
