He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
