i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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