And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
