im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
