You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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