I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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