Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
