At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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