pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
