i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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