I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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