i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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