I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
