The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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