The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
