why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
