i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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