just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
